You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
