Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
