Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
