what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
