When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
