I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
