i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
