Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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