...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Randomize
