I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
