smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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