What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just gargled with NyQuil
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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