By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
