Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
