the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
