Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
After tacos, we're chasing women.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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