I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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