I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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