On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
