Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
