What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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