well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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