I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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