i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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