i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
