Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
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