There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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