I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
