How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
