my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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