sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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