Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
they need to just BURY HIM!
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
did you just send me my own nude
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
