I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
