I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
