My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
