I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
