she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
