Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
