He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
