by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
