Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
