Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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