Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
two words: eviction party
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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