Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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