I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
