Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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