meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
