It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
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me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
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He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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