i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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