Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
