I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize