nut hugger
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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