i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Drunk is not a location!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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