sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
