she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
No subtext here. People are naked.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
