I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I can't trust your balls anymore.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
