im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
