i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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