My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
