what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
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I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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