I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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