There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
