beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
