He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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