who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
