thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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