does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
