My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
