My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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